Dear Dr. Robert
I think you are an amazing human being & I come to you for some issues I have been struggling with.
I am a young professional who kept falling for the wrong men in the past (i.e. the married men who are charming & manipulative). Although I kind of knew why because they don't really bother me as much as the single guys. I don't really get attached to them too deeply, just for some good times, because I was trying to focus on my career at the time. Please don't get me wrong, I am a really good girl & selective, still a little naive. I didn't experience my first time until I was 24.
Even this last one I think that all his qualities strike me as my soul mate, the one I want to be with, but he is married. We have such strong powerful chemistry & passion, that I'd never experienced before, that is beyond anyone's imagination, like we could never get enough or tired of each other. We both think that each other is very beautiful & that never really happened to me before. It was always the men who would admire & are attracted to me much more than I would admire them. I was never sexually attracted to anyone like this before in my whole life. I am just afraid that I never will be able to meet any one like that again.
I know it is wrong dating married men, & I've been trying to break this pattern. I know for a fact from now on, I will not see another married man anymore. But that last one left such a strong impact on me, or expectation, that will be very difficult for me to find fulfillment in the future.
It is like the right love, wrong time. He used to say to me that he wished he had met me before he was married. We were born in the wrong time.
It really makes me sad to think about it, & it makes me more lonely. All the good ones are taken. I've been on some dates with other single young men, but still haven't met anyone I could fall in love with, & I am already 30 years old. What shall I do, Dr. Robert?
Did I miss my soul mate? Is he already taken or was that last one really my soul mate but married? I need your advise. I really appreciate your help.
Liz
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Hello Liz
First, thanks for the compliment. I don't know if you will still consider me "an amazing human being" after reading my reply, but, as always, I will respond to your question with complete honesty, & just let the chips fall where they may.
You say that you know it is wrong to date married men, but that is what you have been doing habitually. You have been doing over & over again what you say you knew was wrong. And you felt no guilt about it. You still don't. You have been interfering in other women's marriages, & doing it just because you found it convenient & amusing ("just for the good times"), without ever giving a single thought to the harm that you might be doing.
You say that you are a "good girl & selective", but your selection process seems always to have selected married men. What is "good" about that? Until now, you thought there was no price to be paid for doing what you knew was wrong, but now you find out that there is a price. This time you have fallen in love, & will end up disappointed & lonely. What else could you expect when you began an affair with a married man which then turned serious?
You say that "all the good ones are taken", but that is nonsense. There are millions upon millions of good men & good women who are single & hoping to meet someone they can love. I know this for a fact because it comes up in my practice all the time.
In reality, Lliz, you have not been looking for a "good one" you could have as a lover & possible life mate; you have been looking for married men to have sex with so as to avoid commitment. You have said as much, & so you have not been a "good one". There are countless good single men, but you are not likely to find one until you are good, & so far you have not been good at all. Your sexual behavior has been all wrong, & you knew it, but kept on anyway, not caring a damn about who might be hurt by your playing around, & there is nothing "good" about that at all.
Not, that said, & i hope you heard it, on to the feelings that you have about this particular man with whom you have fallen in love for the first time. You say that he is your "soul mate", but I think that is just a rather foolish romantic fantasy. Do you really imagine that there is just one perfect person in this entire world of billions of human beings who is your so-called "soul mate"? The soul mate idea goes back to the Greek philosopher, Plato, who imagined that the original human being was half male & half female, but had been split in two, & that the two halves were forever trying to find one another & be rejoined. I believe this is true in a certain metaphorical sense in that male & female are attracted & want to be joined, but I certainly do not imagine that you & your new man (who is cheating on his wife) actually were once joined, were split apart, & now must rejoin or else you will never find anyone whom you can love. That seems like nonsense to me.
Yes, your story sounds romantic, but the passion & excitement you say you feel, & the notion that this one particular man (who is a sexual cheat) & you are perfect for each other, & no one else could possibly be that good for you, are illusions, the kind that appear at the beginning of a relationship, but fade away as the realities of actual living begin to demand attention. This man already has a woman, but she is less interesting to him than when he first met her, so now he looks elsewhere for his sexual thrills. Your sentimental fancies of perfection & undying love are part of what an old client of mine, an attractive woman who had problems similar to yours (always the mistress, never the beloved), used to call the "glitter phase", meaning that after a while the illusion of perfection would get a bit shopworn, & the two lovers would have to face up to the fact that each was a flawed human being who was neither always lovable nor always easy to get along with. This man, who once loved his wife enough to marry her, is now tired of her & bored with his married life, & so he is fooling around with you. What makes you think that the same thing would not happen again if somehow you could force him to abandon his wife & marry you?
Because you have never loved anyone, but only thought of your own pleasure, you don't have a clue about any of this, & that is why you are so confused. Your selfishness is the source of your confusion. All you care about is what you want. No wonder you cant find a good single man. Why would a man like that want a woman like you anyway?
You say that you are already thirty years old, & I understand that to mean that you feel it is getting late for you to find a good mate, so that the loss of this particular man will be even a greater loss than it would have been if you were younger. But all that is your doing, Liz. You are the one who has been playing around with unavailable men in order not to get involved. That was your choice - you looked for them, you found them, you made love with them, you wasted your time with them (time that might have been spent learning to love) - & now you must live with it. If you see this, perhaps you will understand that the time for playing around as you have been doing must be brought to an end.
You asked for my advice. Here it is: Liz, stop your playing around with this married man (as you say you want to do) right away. If you know it is wrong, stop it. Wake up from your egoistical dream. Start being an honest, upstanding woman, & then, with some luck, eventually you may meet someone who will be both available, & a good mate for you. If you can't do this on your own steam, get some help.
Be well.
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http://www.askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/soulmate.html
